Life in August

Egad, folks. Has it been that long? I doubt anyone still reads this blog, but I think it could be therapeutic to post again. So, I sit here faced with turning 31 in a couple of weeks. The same age my father was when he died. You know, when you're, like, 8, 31 seems really old. Now that I am here and I see my friends with small children approximately the same age I was when he died, it hits me to the core. I've never been of the mindset that I would die at 31. I just... I just never realized that at some point in my life I would get to be older than he ever got to be. And to be honest, that reality just hit me as I was typing this. Jesus Christ. I am soon going to be older than my father was when he died. I don't know if I can really fathom this concept. How is that fair, oh illustrious "god?" How is it fair that a man dies in his prime, leaving a very young widow with two very young kids who eventually grow to surpass him in age and accomplishments? Life moves in mysterious ways, for sure. Stupid, asinine ways. 31. Fucking hell. I'm going to be 31.

Ketchup

I just realized it's been a while since I've posted. Sometimes life just zooms past you too fast!

The summer time has sprung off nicely this year. Jake and I have completed our landscaping (for now, anyway)and have just been doing maintenance (mowing) on the outside. I'm quite happy with my little yard! I should have some deck planters coming soon (today maybe?) in which I will plant herbs. The deck is just outside the kitchen, so that'll be real nice for cooking time. I ordered this planter, but in white to match the rail:

I want to start painting the inside this weekend. My first project will be the "nursery" upstairs. It's going to take a while because we have to prime the wood panel and then add two coats of paint. I think we're going to go with a sky blue on the walls and ceiling. That way when it comes time to paint a woodland mural on the walls we'll have a nice background! Then, once that room is done, we'll move our bedroom furniture into there and paint our room.

And now for something completely different:



The summer parties have kicked off too! We had our family installment of our housewarming parties May 17. That went really well. We did a potluck and a lot of Jake's family showed up. My parents and Jane and Arthur were there as well. It turned out to be a nice day weather-wise, so a lot of the party was outside. The kids enjoyed going to the park down the street.

Heather and Evan had their joint b-day party this past weekend. They did a tea party (drinking, not tossing)with finger foods. There were so many people there! We eventually moved the party outside for an impromptu game of Frisbee.

This coming weekend is Missy's graduation party. She also just got a job at Bridgewater! I'm excited. I'm sure I'll have more to report after that.

So, I'm just trying to keep my head up and focus on all these positives to try to offset the start of my summer mourning period.



Until then, I leave you with this:

RIP Sven 2004-2008

I am sad to report that my beloved Sven the Swedish Fish (actually a beta) passed away peacefully in his loving home last night. RIP little buddy. You lived a long, full fishy life. We will always remember you and all you've been through.

Birthday Reflections

Let's see.... there are 365 days until I turn 30. Jesus....30. I never thought I'd see that day! It's amazing to think that I've lived for this long.

Remember when 10 years seem like such a long time? Like when we graduated from high school and the thought of a 10 year reunion was so far-fetched? (not that I'd ever go, and didn't). But still. Now 10 years seems like nothing. Let's see, where was I in life 10 years ago, August 17, 1998?

I had just spent a year (well, almost) at UMD. It was a very hard time for me, but I managed to find a group of incredibly amazing friends, most of whom I have to this day. I remember I had a birthday party that year. I was living back home in Chelms-hell with my parents. It was a weird party because my 20cent friends were there, along with Valerie (who didn't know any of them at the time), Leah, and Taryn! We managed to have a really good time. Vorg was there too. I remember he ended up staying over that night. He slept in the guest bedroom, but tried to sneak into mine early in the morning. Alli, our dog, had other plans! She woke up when he did and barked to get the rest of us up! LOL Poor boy. What am I talking about... poor me too! LOL
I was working at the Westford Regency, I believe. I had real short hair still, and fake nails. I was still really depressed, but was starting to work towards getting better. I did register for MCC that coming fall. That was my saving grace. It really was. It gave me a sense of purpose, and the self esteem to actually succeed academically for the first time in my life.

There's me, getting all sentimental! This year, on my birthday, I feel like I'm in another transition. I'm in a job that I am very unsatisfied with. I wanted to start teaching this year, but no one has even called me for an interview. I feel stuck. I'm not making enough money to pay the bills, I'm not at all intellectually challenged, and I don't get any respect.

But, I am getting married in 55 days! Yikes! I'm going to be a Mrs! I have decided to keep my name, but add Jake's at the end. Meaning, Sandra Marie Picard Stevens. I feel good about that. Now I don't have to give up the Picard, which I feel is a little piece of my birth father I've kept with me. And that's not a knock towards my life father. I love him, but he's able to be an active part of my life where my birth father can't. I hope I've honored my life father with all I've done (though I don't think he sees it that way).

Anyway, it's late and I'm jabbering. I'll probably edit this tomorrow!

Cheers and thanks for all the birthday wishes everyone!

I will not let it shadow my life...

So today is the 27th anniversary of my father's death. 27 years, I can't believe it. It's amazing how something that happened so long ago can still have a stronghold on your life.

However, I have decided not to let it bother me this year. This year I am going to get through the whole day without crying. In fact, it didn't even dawn on me what day it was until I checked my email and saw the anniversary reminder from my mom (yea, way morbid mom). I just sat there looking at it, waiting for the tears to well. And they didn't!

I think that this year it's different because now I have so many positive things to focus on. For instance, Colleen's wedding is tomorrow. That's a huge positive spin on a bad day! And, Judi (Jake's mom) has be birthday today.

Having Jake in my life has also helped me deal with things I never thought I'd be able to deal with. I don't need to focus on so many fears because I know I have someone here to stand by me at all times. I can break free from the grips of harmful relationships because I have a steady support system at home. I can get through life without mourning everyone all of the time because I have someone to focus that energy on.

I am a really, really lucky person to have found him. I truly never thought I would meet the person who would complete my life. I used to cry....often, actually. I'd cry about being lonely, being poor, losing so many people to death... and now, well, I hardly cry at all!

A Farewell to Doris

So I had another wake to go to last week. It was for Doris, the sales rep I was working with at Winco. She was one of the few people at work that I actually liked and had a personal relationship with. She was young, brass, full-of-life, determined, sweet, caring and giving. We butted heads sometimes at work, but only with work-related issues. We always made sure to see eye-to-eye after a disagreement and move forward.
Doris had turned 39 the week before her death. She had been married just under a year. She was so...happy. She was enamored with her new husband and talked about him all the time. She and I went through her wedding album and talked wedding talk a lot. I remember she got her dress real inexpensively, and she got married at Castleton. They were playing a slideshow of her wedding pictures at the wake... that really got me. I have to say, even after seeing her body, I'm not sure it's 100% set in yet.
I'm getting too used to wakes and funerals. I mean, is it unusual for someone my age to have known so many people who have died? I just sat and tried to count the number of wakes, funerals, memorials or Shiva homes I've been to. I got to 12 and decided to stop counting. Oh geez, lets not even count the pets. I think Doris's death is the first one I've been able to handle "well". I haven't fallen apart. I've cried, but I haven't fallen into convulsions as I usually do. Maybe it's maturation? Maybe it's old hat? I don't know. All I know is I'm fucking sick of death.
Oh, I'm sure you're curious... she fell down the stairs and snapped her neck at the bottom. Her husband found her there....very sad. very, very sad. :-(